Wouldn’t it be funny if beer was legal tender? Our mate Andy thinks so and even wrote a song about it. Enjoy.

Caution: Contains very coarse language.

You know I reckon it would be funny
If beer was legal tender
This whole country
On one big f##ken bender

Now wouldn’t it be funny
Because breweries would be banks
You’d have a vault on your cellar
The pub the auto teller

This works out bush as sure as shit
As I found from a bloke named Fred
Broken down on the highway
Well simply I just said

How much will it set me back
To fix this bloody flat?
Fred shook his head and with a smile said
“Ah f##k it just a six pack!”

So we chatted over a couple of beers
And we both began to realise
The world’s problems could be solved
By this fridge before our eyes

Now at first this idea I know
It may seem a little insane
But I reckon a block or two
Could’ve sorted out Saddam Hussein

So f##k the nukes and gas
Cause these things just make mess
We should’ve smart bombed that crazy bastard
With a carton of Fosters best

– Chorus –

Wouldn’t it be funny
If beer was legal tender
This whole country
On one big f##ken bender

Now wouldn’t it be funny
Because breweries would be banks
You’d have a vault on your cellar
The pub the auto teller

Now even at the store
This theory would still work
Just make your request
And then barter with the clerk

You’d say now how much for that stereo
On the shelf just up there?
I’d say six VBs, an EMU
And two Fosters would be fair?

He’s take my cans and say
“Let’s get this deal right”
Then pass me my change
A carton of Bud Light

You see mid-strength beers are the problem
They’re like one and two cent coins
They weigh down your pockets
And they have no fruitful loins

They taste like crap and smell like piss
They’re as good as rotting junk
Apart from that, the useless s##t
Doesn’t even get ya f##ken drunk!

– Chorus –

Bargaining with terrorists
would be a problem of the past
Just get your local pub
On the phone pretty fast

They’d say “we want a million dollars
Or every hostage gets it
A plane and helicopter
Now mate hurry up and fetch it!”

You’d say I’m sorry sir that can’t be done
But here’s our deal for you
In exchange for the hostages
Will a slab of Swannies do?

See, no real bloke can refuse a beer
It’s Aussie, its true blue
In a couple hours they’d be saying
That’s one tasty f##ken brew.

– Chorus –

Wine would be banned
It bottle not in cask
Because everybody knows
How long a ten buck flagon lasts

As for wine coolers
We’ll promote the bloody lot
We’ll put em in kids lunches
That’ll hit the spot

– Chorus –

Written & performed by our mate Andy Dalton
Animated by our mate Jacques Phillips

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If Beer was Legal Tender